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| #preach |
*Actually written on October 16, 2014. I'm just getting around to publishing this because...well I've been living...living happily I might add.
Most people like
control. I certainly do. Why do you
think we press the imaginary break pedal from the passenger's seat? Or is
that just me? People like to control as much of their life as they can. When I speak of control I speak of it in
terms of controlling situations, other people and their choices as well as situational outcomes.
I don't speak of it in the same way as choice. We all have control over
our choices.
I like control and I
like choice. I like to take control of
my life and I like to make my own choices. Who doesn't? I'm also (at times) perfectly fine with relinquishing control and putting things
out in the universe and letting whatever happen happen. I like to make others happy so many many times I really so prefer someone else to choose the restaurant location. But when it comes to how my life is going to go, I don't exactly give up the control easily. It happens, but those moments are pretty few and far
between. But they do happen.
I'm somewhere in the
middle of a control freak who only uses only one very particular kind of gel
pen and a hippy. If you ask my friends
I'm pretty sure they will say I'm more of a traveling hippy,
that is if hippies wear sparkles and have tons of shoes. Anyway…
The thing is that
there are the uncontrollable things that come along in our lives and turn our
worlds upside down. They come in good
ways and in bad ways. And for me,
uncontrol (is that a word) is often
hard. Real hard. Hard to handle, hard to
accept, hard to embrace and hard not to control. I like having a master plan. I like it a lot.
What gives me hope
in the uncontrol though is Love (and yes I did capitalize it...it deserves a capital L). Love is
uncontrollable and happens at weird times with weird people in weird
places. It's not about anything other
than love. It's simple and so very complex. It's inconvenient and it's
messy. It turns worlds upside down. It's beautiful and it's fun. Simply put, it's amazeballs.
As many of you know
I'm in an in between place in life…between buying a new house and between
chucking it all and heading to the beach, between open-toe MK wedges and Frye
boots, between relationships, between
heartbreak and open- hearted, between being a cool cat lady and a cat lady QVC
shopper who can't seem to find the perfect vacuum to clean up all the cat hair.
Right now I am on an airplane and even my music is in between…going from Johnny
Gill to Taylor Swift to Bryan McKnight
to Dierks Bentley to John Mayer to Seven Nation Army. How's that for being all kinds of in-between?
Normally if I'm in
between, I feel this burning desire to gain control and get out of in between.
I'm burning to reel in the uncontrol.
What's next? Why am I in between and how do I get out of this space and
onto my life's goals? How quickly can I get back on track and make things happen? How do I
gain control??? When will the broken road end with the where I'm supposed to
be? Just typing these questions stress
me out.
But this in between
time is different. I feel ok being in
between. I feel ok in the uncontrol. I
have faith. I wouldn't say I'm jumping for joy or anything, but I'm not twisted
inside. I'm not burning up. While I certainly miss the comforts, love
& security that came with the life I had planned for myself, I'm coming to
embrace Tuesday as trash day…well embrace is a strong word, but I
accept it and know I'm ok taking out the
trash. I'm ok not having a plan or not
knowing how things will unfold. I'm ok in the moment of uncontrol and I'm ok
with the plan unfolding as it does…however it does. I'm ok..even better than ok. I'm good.
More than the daily
task-like things that I'm ok with, I'm ok being me and everything that comes
with me being me. It's hard to make any relationship stand the test
of time. But for any relationship to stand a chance, we must have a healthy
relationship with ourselves first. We must first Love and I mean really Love, who we are as an individual person. So in this in between time, that's exactly
what I'm doing. I'm taking the chance to
and making the choice to embrace and like me.
I'm also cutting WAY
back on Facebook. I've decided that I'd rather live my life and like living it rather than
watch others "live" their lives.
I don't hate social media. I love the pictures and love seeing old friends. I've just decided for me, I want to be doing instead of scrolling. I was with some friends recently and I questioned them
on why they were checking their News Feed so frequently. The answers varied but basically they said,
"I'm bored." I thought about
that for a while and I've decided to be bored way way less. Especially when I'm in the company of good people. And, I'm good with that.
I'm difficult and
driven and silly and competitive and independent and challenging and fashion
conscience. I'm a smart ass who likes to
watch Big Bang Theory on reruns. I like to sing but I'm a terrible singer. I like to use all of my vacation time to go to
the beach. I like to travel and I like to think outside of the box. I seek to find the good in every person I
meet. I like smart people and I like
being around people who are smarter than me.
I like to watch and support people who chase their dreams and I love
feeling driven and passionate about something. I want to make a difference in the world daily and I don't wash my hair
everyday or even every other day. I'm pretty much addicted to manicures, being
social, Starbucks, football and Hummus Corner.
And, I'm good with all of that.
And, I'm good being this way all on my own.
Could it be that
I've realized that I've spent most of my life in between with very little
control? Don't we all spend a lot of our
life being in between? Do we really ever
have control? We are in between relationships, engagements and the wedding,
waiting for the baby to get here, waiting to get back to normal sleep patterns
after the baby gets here…everything is in between something or another. This in between time is what I've come to
realize is the joy in the journey. And, no matter who else is on the journey with me, I'm with me. And, I need
to like me and be me.
And, like Love, the journey is not exactly
controllable. We can absolutely control our choices and what we do in this
in between time, but we can't always control how long it lasts or when the next
in between will arise. We can't control
our length of stay on this planet. We
can't control tragedy. So, I'm taking my
time to embrace joy in this blessed journey I've been given and I'm living
fearlessly in Love with myself and my choices because in the end,
uncontrollable LOVE always wins.
In between…be kind,
read, exercise, laugh, eat sushi, wear heels, get some sun, take chances, give
hugs, say I love you and most of all be with who and do what makes you happy.
XO~
