Hold your kids as long as possible.

So, I’m not a mom and I’m not sure I will ever be a mom.  I haven’t ruled it out completely but my window of opportunity is narrowing. It’s all good though.  I’m an aunt (which I love every fantabulous minute of) so maybe it entitles me to have some opinions on parenting.

Today there was a video on YouTube (http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20571316,00.html)

of a dad talking to his teenage daughter about her most recent Facebook rant about her crappy parents.  I had mixed emotions about this whole situation. First and foremost, and kids please read carefully, NOTHING ON THE INTERNET IS PRIVATE.  Don’t put anything on the web you don’t want others to find, read and send to one million of their closest friends.  Period.

Ok, that aside, it struck me as odd that this dad was using this, very public, method to punish or teach his daughter a lesson.  I’m assuming the lesson was not to post your frustrations about your family on Facebook although, I can’t be 100% positive of that. He thought he punished her before for similar actions, but she either didn’t get that message or didn’t care to listen. Regardless, she’s getting a message now.  Loud, but not so clear.

I’ll side with the dad on a few points.  First, publically disrespecting your family on FB, not exactly a Nobel Prize winning idea.  Social Media TMI should be a class these days.  Using curse words to express your frustration, not exactly classy or demonstrating your articulation ability.  Being “pissed” off because you have to clean up after yourself doesn’t seem to be a good use of your energy.  If that was the case most adults would walk around pissed off all the time.  So, dad, points for you.

But that is where my points for Papa’s Preaching stop.  First, nice cigarette. 

Second, did it occur to dad that his daughter is a teenager?  Teenagers are not adults. They make mistakes, they are impulsive, they aren’t rational, they smell, and they do dumb things.  It’s a proven fact that you can get good daycare for you newborn infant that closely matches the care he/she can get in the home…maybe in some cases better.  Once your kid turns 13, do you really believe they can think for themselves and make good decisions?  The law does because they can watch themselves.  That does not mean that is a good idea.  As further evidence of teenager mistake reliability, have you ever tried to insure a car for a teenager?  You might as well sell that kid because car insurance companies seem to know what this dad clearly doesn’t. Teenagers are dumb…sometimes.

Third, talk about respect for money and property.  Shooting bullets into a laptop that could be donated to a student who couldn’t afford it or could be earned back for good daughter behavior or used as a family computer really teaches the daughter how to respect the dad’s hard-earned dollars, don’t you think?  When things go wrong, just shoot them.  Nothing says respect like guns and cigarettes.

My bottom line is yes, the daughter was wrong, we can all agree on that.  But is what she did any worse than what he did in retaliation? In my mind he acted like a complete contradicting buffoon.  The lesson I got was not one that brought he and his daughter closer together or closer to resolution. He didn’t teach her how to properly express her frustrations (legitimate or not).  He didn’t teach her how to communicate with him about her concerns.  He didn’t build a bridge and act like a role model. He didn’t show her how to act respectfully in the face of disgrace.  Instead he looked like a cigarette smoking, gun shooting, littering hillbilly. Well done pops.  Hopefully when you start talking to your daughter again (whenever that is) you can actually work on the real problem in your family. If not, I hope the next mistake she makes is one she can recover from.  Because based on this, I doubt she’s coming to you for help or advice.  I hope your model behavior is not repeated by her and she learns to express herself properly in spite of you.  Idiot.

This experience just makes me want to carry my 6-year old niece for as long as I possibly can.  She asks us to carry her…still.  I sometimes tell her that she is getting too big or too heavy.  I’m not going to do that anymore.  I want her to always be honest and express her feelings and desires to me, even if I don’t agree with her perspective.  I want both of my nieces to not have jobs as long as possible.  That is not lazy.  That is part of being a child.  I want them to learn to contribute to the family, clean-up after themselves, be respectful of all things, trust me (and their parents), do things they sometimes don’t want to do and grow up to be good, honest citizens.  But more than anything, I don’t ever want them to think we don’t listen to them and we don’t respect them…even if they make childhood, teenage or adult mistakes. Who among us hasn’t?

I mean really.  Humiliation does not look good on anyone. Ever.

Love everyone….love. It never fails.

Xoxo~

Elizabeth

Goo…Can “It” Last Without It?

Goo, is what I call it. Some call it passion.  Some mistake it for love.  Some have never had it.  It’s that gooey, smiley, giddy, wonderful feeling you have when you are falling in love and you feel blissfully happy with a significant other. It’s indescribable and you can’t mistake it.  It’s addicting, amazing, and uncontrollable.  It’s deceptive, unconditional and it’s so very hard to capture and sustain. It’s goo.

Here’s the question, can a relationship survive the long haul without it?  The answer is probably.  I’m certain there are cases where couples have been married forever and they haven’t felt goo in forever. Everyone I’ve talked to says that the goo fades with time or it ebbs and flows throughout the relationship based on life’s path.  Not one person I’ve met has ever said they have it all the time, 100%, with their partner.  Some have even told me that they have never had that type of feeling for their significant other. Based on this research the answer seems to be yes, relationships are sustainable without it, at least so far for those people.

So for the purposes of this blog, I’m going to leave those couples out who say they have never had it because I believe if you have experienced true goo (not just a crush or lust) I don’t believe you will be truly happy without it. I believe it is that powerful. Don’t get me wrong, you won’t physically die if you don’t have it. You can live a perfectly fine life.  But I really don’t believe you can sustain a healthy, happy, committed, loyal and fun relationship for years and years without it.

Relationships are work.  Everyone knows that. Without the goo, they will be much, much harder. There has to be something about your relationship that keeps you coming back, keeps you committed, keeps you trying and keeps you gooey.  Initially it should be easy.  It’s chemistry or attraction.  It’s the butterflies you get when he calls or texts when he says he will.  It’s the fun and excitement of Friday night date night…even if that means take-out and pj’s on the couch. That goo can grow into a deeper connection based on mutual respect, trust, interests, wants, needs and/or desires. From there you grow in love and see your partner in ways that make him more attractive to you…only you. That exclusivity makes more goo.  He becomes your best friend. You might move-in together, get a house, get married, get a dog or have children…all this should lead to more goo. 

But also along with that fairy tale story are careers, friends, chores, demands, stress, money, families, houses, broken things, illness, homework, uncertainties, in-laws, parties, holidays, football, what’s for dinner, crying kids, barking dogs…so many other outside influences trying to do everything in their power to steal your goo, bring you down and tear you apart.

I’ve been in relationships where most things, like caring, trust, stability (all important no doubt) are present. But the goo was missing.  I’ve been in relationships where the goo was there daily but some of the other things were missing.  Neither has worked. The relationship with the goo made me relentlessly try, fiercely fight to keep it and I felt happier than the ones without.  I seriously smile more when goo is in my life.

Goo can ebb and flow. It can even be non-existent at times.  Goo can bring you back from dark places that you thought were hopeless.  But, even when it’s easy, you have to work on keeping it.  There are things I believe both of you must do to sustain it.

♥       You have to communicate.

♥       You have to love, unconditionally.

♥       You have to be yourself. 

♥       You have to have date nights…with each other and without. 

♥       You have to have independence. 

♥       You have to stay grounded. 

♥       You have to be honest, brutally honest.

♥       You have to have passion for other things.

♥       You have to be strong. 

♥       You have to show weakness.

♥       You have to be loyal.

♥       You have to be committed. 

♥       You have to forgive.

♥       You have to compromise.

♥       You have to trust him like no other. 

♥       And, you must stand united against everyone and everything working to bring you  down.

Goo will not only help you do all of those things, if you do those things, the goo with grow and stay in your life.  And, 20, 30, 40 or 50 years later, you and that gooey partner of yours will be sitting somewhere sharing a bottle of wine, eating dinner or watching The Price is Right.  You will be holding hands.  You will be smiling and you will be happy.  That’s what I want.

And, I believe goo is what makes “it” last.

xo ~ Elizabeth