Groundhog Day. My least favorite day...

Not an attractive animal.

Groundhog Day is in February. Cold and dark February. A Groundhog is not an attractive animal. And, I feel like I've been living Groundhog Day...for like years.  It's on a loop where the distance between days varies, but it still comes back to square one. Unsettled.  Looking at a move.  Going some distance alone.

I sincerely believe that everything will work out and this is where I am supposed to be.  I beyond blessed with an amazing family, wonderful friends, a great job, and most of all my health. I'm happy and I try to live life to the fullest.

But it's other stuff...you know a long-term living situation and a life partner that are way up in the air. So far up in the air I can't really see them.

I wrote last week about moving on after love and finding my path again. This week, my walk begins.  But before I start moving forward, I'm examining how I got here so I can be sure not to be here again. I don't like this stop on my path of life.

I know full well my responsibility in the failure of my last relationship. Relationships take two people, so he had responsibility too. But since this is my story to tell, I won't write about his responsibilities. I'll just say he loved me.  Loved me a lot.

I didn't commit 100% at the right time. I was committed but not in the way where he felt it.  Not in the way he needed.  I own that responsibility and I'm learning from it. The ironic (I think it's irony...I always get irony confused with coincidence) thing is that my failure to commit stemmed from being scared of being back in the very position where I stand today.  Groundhog Day. (Notice I stay stand...not lay on the floor in crumpled ball...it's the little things readers.)  So while I was busy being scared and having doubts, he was trying to get through to me.  And, at some point even the most patient and loving person has to move on.  I get it.

You know why I get it?? It's because 3 years ago I was in the exact spot with the one before him.  I knew. He didn't. He wanted to get there. I couldn't keep waiting. Groundhog Day.

And 3 years before that I was in a life that I helped build with a house full of stuff, a 30-year mortgage, a fancy car and a man that would never leave. Trouble was that man didn't love me for me.  He loved me in his way. A way that I've now come to realize wasn't really love.  So, I couldn't stay.

So now, after 3 relationships full of love, and trust me, they were not short on that beautiful and deadly thing called love, I'm back to standing on my own. Groundhog Day. I know I can do it. I've done it before. I'll do it this time.  I'm just getting a little of tired of it.

The good thing about Groundhog Day is that for the first time, I know what I want, why I made many of the choices I made and how those choices are bringing me clarity now. I'm grateful for the clarity. I wish it would have come about 2 weeks earlier.

I can't wish away or wish I had.  Some of it, I have to toss up to fate and love. One Love finds a way. Always. No matter what. Now the action is to live and keep going. Groundhog Day. I do feel better knowing what I know now.  The knowledge will help me get where I'm supposed to be.

In the meantime and to lighten the mood of this post, if anyone wants to help out...here are a few options:

1. Start shopping and spending time and money in Owings Mills (they are getting a Wegmans ~ everybody loves Wegmans, right???) and turn the housing market around so I can get rid of that house I so unfortunately thought was a good idea to buy.
2. Better yet, anyone want to buy a really cozy townhouse in Owings Mills?
3. Anyone need a place to crash for 6 months?  Room for rent in my city pad.  My roomie leaves on January 2 to follow her dreams.  It's a super great location and (besides my craziness) I'm a good roommate. Plus I have Roxy, she makes everything better.
4. I'm probably going to have a lot of free time. Free time left to my own choices usually results in more shoes which, while great for my style, is not good for my budget: see housing situation above. Anyone interested in doing anything fun, I'm your girl.
5. I'm accepting all jokes and reasons to smile that don't involve babies, puppies, houses or boys. All girltime is accepted and welcome.

Birthday with Besties 2010

Girls Cruise circa 2008. Must do this again!

 The walk begins...one graceful step at a time...

xo ~